What it is

I think most of my problems stem from a single fact; I spent my formative years (till 18) 20 miles away from the nearest kids my age. My cousins were my closest friends, Josh included, but they weren’t any better off. I spent the most time with my sister, and mom.

I don’t really know what other people’s childhoods were like but I imagine they spent a lot of time playing on the culdesac with other kids their age. Maybe spent the night at their houses, or played basketball. I see kids here in the city and I’m incredibly jealous. They ride muni alone for gods sake! They must learn more about how to interact with people in a day than I learned in a year.

My problem isn’t self-confidence. I have that in spades as anyone who gets to know me will attest. There are of course a few things I am not confident of, and my ability to make a stranger want to know me is one of them. I’m sure it could be argued that I only want those strangers to want to know me because if they do it will revalidate my ego. That may be so, but there are WAY better reasons to want to be able to meet people.

My friend Emmaus meets people left and right. He could strike up a conversation with damn near anyone he sees. They aren’t always responsive, but he always knows what to say to find out if they are, and the courage to break the silence. And for his courage he is routinely rewarded with new friends, who tell him interesting stories and helpful information such as the best place to camp. If he earns their friendship they sometimes do nice things for him like give him shelter, and food. He returns the favor with his necklaces and stories.

Psychology Today once published an article that claimed that introverts were on average more likely to experience depression, and less likely to claim to have a good quality of life. The study made me question whether it was introversion that was causing the depression or the other way around, but I’ve never been able to feel comfortable seeking out the comfort of solitude ever since. I rarely feel depressed in the company of friendly people, but it’s a double edged sword in that I often feel depressed in the company of strangers.

I think it was Neil Strauss that once said that in a bar you will be approached by two types of people. The first kind make you feel good about yourself when they talk to you. The second kind needs to talk to you to feel good about themselves. I worry which one I am.